Happy December to everyone, Happy Holidays as well. i'm definitely jealous of all these stories of snow storms i'm hearing! you are all very lucky to have snow :) Today in our base we set up some Christmas decorations and it definitely doesn't feel the same without the cold, hot chocolate, and snow. None the less i'm eager for the day to come and excited to just celebrate with my classmates just the same. I hope all of you are enjoying the states, enjoy the Christmas atmosphere for yourself, and for me as well :)
This week in my school our theme was Destiny by Design;a week to seek more who we are god, our dreams, our giftings, and most of all how god wants to use all these things. This week has been a very revealing week for me. it was good to clearly hear gods voice, to have him reveal to me part of his true purpose for my life. It amazes me to see the leaps i've made here. It is so uplifting for me to look back for a moment and see where god has brought me. He continues to reveal to me more and more who it is i exactly am, and and as well what he wants to do with my life.
I realized what a passion it is for me to bring to life to those around me, and how god wants to you use that to bring his gospel to all ends of the earth. I'm so grateful that i stuck this out, that i stayed. i'm so grateful that god provided away through each storm because i'm beginning to see the rainbow...
the promise, that i'm forever his. i'm beginning to see the harvest of the seeds i was sowing just 2 months before. the beautiful thing for me is that this is just the beginning. god has so much more ahead...
for all those supporting me still, i thank you as always, blessings to you all, i hope to hear from you soon!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Te amo
Hola y bendiciones a todos! Hello and blessings to all! :) Forgive me for not writing for so long, i really need to keep up more with my blog! thank you for taking time to keep up with how i am doing, i truly feel blessed. We're just ending week 8 of the schooling and i'm nothing short of amazed by what the lord has been doing not only in my life but in the lives in those around me. We had a week titled "DELIVERANCE" it was good to again address some of the things in my life.. and see where god has brought me from. I definitely serve a loving god, and consistent as well. I do believe my greatest revelation in this week was seeing how truly faithful my god is. in my life, in my short 18 years here in this world, I think i've come a crossed quite a few.. inconsistent, unreliable, untrustworthy and quite selfish people; dont get me wrong, i've been that person too. But the more i get to know My God the more i realize, he'll never be that person to me. He'll never not listen or.. not care.. he'll never forget to call or forget to show up for a date; he'll never tell my deepest secrets or refuse to share his oh so warming love with me thats not the kind of god i serve. but instead He's everything i need him to be, everything i want him to be.. and more.
The more time i willing take to have communion with my god.. to take the time to seek his face, search his word and listen to his heart.. the more i fall in love with my savior. its so much more than solely asking for things.. wanting things.. I feel we as humans limit our vast god..so often. He has so much to offer outside of our own wants ands dreams. And all he has to offer us really depends on our obedience.. our own commitment to him. my friends, god is good; he'll open doors and do things you never imagined, if you give him the chance to.. "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know" JEREMIAH 33:3 --
the things that god has revealed to me in my time of seeking him, are just as the words said, unsearchable, they're beyond me, and thats the joy of serving such a great and grand god. He never ceases to amaze me. I praise god for my new revelations, and plan to continue to seek more so i can serve.
To all who read my blog i know i've been terrible at updating and i apologize. But i feel as though you guys are more updated on me than i am on you! So if you get the chance send me an e-mail letting me know how you're doing, work, family and friends whatever it may be! i'd love to hear from you all! i miss you and send blessings to you! for those who dont already have my email its santana170@hotmail.com
Blessings Briana Kay
The more time i willing take to have communion with my god.. to take the time to seek his face, search his word and listen to his heart.. the more i fall in love with my savior. its so much more than solely asking for things.. wanting things.. I feel we as humans limit our vast god..so often. He has so much to offer outside of our own wants ands dreams. And all he has to offer us really depends on our obedience.. our own commitment to him. my friends, god is good; he'll open doors and do things you never imagined, if you give him the chance to.. "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know" JEREMIAH 33:3 --
the things that god has revealed to me in my time of seeking him, are just as the words said, unsearchable, they're beyond me, and thats the joy of serving such a great and grand god. He never ceases to amaze me. I praise god for my new revelations, and plan to continue to seek more so i can serve.
To all who read my blog i know i've been terrible at updating and i apologize. But i feel as though you guys are more updated on me than i am on you! So if you get the chance send me an e-mail letting me know how you're doing, work, family and friends whatever it may be! i'd love to hear from you all! i miss you and send blessings to you! for those who dont already have my email its santana170@hotmail.com
Blessings Briana Kay
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Missionary...
For those who follow my blog, forgive me for not keeping up, for not writing more, last week was a challenging week for me; in a good way. It was a much needed “stretch” in my faith. After being attacked, I was faced with overcoming my fear, faced with learning how to have the capacity to love the like the lord does, and most of all regain my stability. However I believe the Lord has provided away through all these things for me; God is good, and will always be my sole provider. This week I am in San Francisco Argentina, we are on a short term outreach, with 4 students and 3 staff. Although in Some ways the week hasn’t been too challenging, in others.. it has.
We arrived here Tuesday afternoon and have been staying in a Church. A few families donated some mattresses for us to sleep on and some food as well for us to prepare during our time here during the week. The first day here we had a small group at the church with about 15 others. One leader and one student left to go to a elderly ladies house while the rest of us stayed behind to lead the group. As always evangelism is my weak spot. In general its not so much a problem but the language barrier often times defeats my confidence in the lord that he can pull it all together for me. God really open my eyes to a lot of things that very first night; he started with changing my own heart and my own mind and in result I was able to affect others.
We broke up into 3 groups of 5, each student was to lead a group. I cant imagine what these 5 people in my group were thinking… maybe something along the line of, “good lord, is there a reason why we have an 18 year old from the U.S. who barely speaks fluent Spanish, leading OUR group?” and I believe the lords response was probably something like.. “my POWER is made PERFECT in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12:9. My group started off a disaster, I had to give my testimony; which is something that challenges me enough let alone in English, can you imagine what its like in Spanish? my group barred with me… surprisingly. Afterwards we discussed so many different things but mainly we interceded for each other, we lifted up each others lives to Jesus, and just asked for answers to questions; while praising god at the same time for our very short moments together.
Over all, my group did well. Surprisingly it did not fall to pieces, god spoke volumes to me that night. He challenged my heart in a way I havent been challenged, he helped me realize that I am solely his tool, that he is the one doing the challenging, the changing, the “soul surgery” in these people, I’m just the nurse standing beside him, doing what he asks me to do. For the first time in my life I was able to delight in my weaknesses; for god made something so beautiful out of my short comings. To be honest, I was quite impressed with the lord, how well he could use me, how his timing was so perfect throughout my entire group, every time I had a short coming, he filled in the blanks.. he spoke through me, or spoke through others.
What most amazes me is how much I live In the flesh; how terrible it is sometimes how human I am, how quickly I forgot the things god is doing in my life. After our wonderful night of small group I went to bed around 12 am and awoke around 7 to have my quiet time with god, I was frustrated because although the night before had gone surprisingly well I questioned god, and why he would bring me half way around the world to learn something I could learn in a DTS in the united States, or even more questioning why he would take me to another hemisphere to lead a small group of 5 people?! Once again god had a big lesson for me to learn in a small situation. After my quiet time with god, we had our devotional with the team, my leader, Germen suggested that we ask god what his challenge was for us for the week here. It was our second day in so we had time to experience a little of what it’d be like the rest of the week and ask god in what area of all this I needed to work in.
I took this Idea with me all through my day and during one of our service times we were cleaning another church in the city; I of course had the bathrooms as I always seem to have them J ; this never seems to be a problem for me though, I really don’t mind cleaning them, the only thing that gets me is picking hair out of the drain GROOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS…. J so to my mother, I have something to say.. “for all the times you picked my hair out of the drain, forgive me this is truly a task of love<3 and I‘ve come to realize that every time you picked my hair out of that nasty drain you did it because not only does it disgust you, but also because you love me J ” so thank you mom, and I’m sorry you had to do that, I promise from now on if I use your shower I’ll pick my hair off the wall and out of the drain : D. Back to my time in the bathroom, I was scrubbing the floors when I asked god, how I could be.. More challenged this week; or in what aspect did my mind need renewing. God was pretty clear with me, it fell back on that idea that I felt that I still couldn’t understand why I was here…
I felt like god was asking me if he had ever not provided a way for me, or ever led me astray.. I pondered for barely a minute and it was simple to come to the conclusion that, no, the lord had never failed me. The question didn’t fit right away with the next idea that god gave me, the idea that had been in my head since the moment we arrived; that the acts I was doing were small; things not completely necessary. When I stumbled upon this idea, I realized what I had done, I had underestimated the lord, underestimated how truly important every little aspect of each person, of each moment, of each inch of this world is to him. how could I even begin to question whether or not God truly wanted me here? This is when the first question was put into perspective with the other part of my revelation. If god had never failed to provide for me, or had never led me astray, why was I so quick to be of the flesh, and doubt that this is truly what god wants; for me to be here doing the things that I see as..small.. Or unimportant.. I then realized what my challenge was for the week. God wanted me to see the importance of every moment and to see the importance of every life. God was challenging me to say anything… because saying something is better than saying nothing, because he put me here to help his people, to be there crutch, to be the part of the bridge they’re building between themselves and god. This was quite a beautiful revelation. I had no choice but to believe that these acts were not small..
As I swished my wand around the toilet I declared to the lord in that intimate moment in the bathroom with himJ.. that I believed if he could move mountains then I also believed that he could make a change in this city, in these people and most definitely in this very place in which I stand, in this church.
To all my beloved family and friends, God loves you, you as well need to believe that if god can move mountains he can make a change in me and you as well. I love you all, miss you terribly and am praying for you! Blessings!
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD; I WILL BE EXALTED AMONG THE NATIONS. I WILL BE EXALTED IN ALL THE EARTH. [[PSALM 48:10]]
We arrived here Tuesday afternoon and have been staying in a Church. A few families donated some mattresses for us to sleep on and some food as well for us to prepare during our time here during the week. The first day here we had a small group at the church with about 15 others. One leader and one student left to go to a elderly ladies house while the rest of us stayed behind to lead the group. As always evangelism is my weak spot. In general its not so much a problem but the language barrier often times defeats my confidence in the lord that he can pull it all together for me. God really open my eyes to a lot of things that very first night; he started with changing my own heart and my own mind and in result I was able to affect others.
We broke up into 3 groups of 5, each student was to lead a group. I cant imagine what these 5 people in my group were thinking… maybe something along the line of, “good lord, is there a reason why we have an 18 year old from the U.S. who barely speaks fluent Spanish, leading OUR group?” and I believe the lords response was probably something like.. “my POWER is made PERFECT in weakness” 2 Corinthians 12:9. My group started off a disaster, I had to give my testimony; which is something that challenges me enough let alone in English, can you imagine what its like in Spanish? my group barred with me… surprisingly. Afterwards we discussed so many different things but mainly we interceded for each other, we lifted up each others lives to Jesus, and just asked for answers to questions; while praising god at the same time for our very short moments together.
Over all, my group did well. Surprisingly it did not fall to pieces, god spoke volumes to me that night. He challenged my heart in a way I havent been challenged, he helped me realize that I am solely his tool, that he is the one doing the challenging, the changing, the “soul surgery” in these people, I’m just the nurse standing beside him, doing what he asks me to do. For the first time in my life I was able to delight in my weaknesses; for god made something so beautiful out of my short comings. To be honest, I was quite impressed with the lord, how well he could use me, how his timing was so perfect throughout my entire group, every time I had a short coming, he filled in the blanks.. he spoke through me, or spoke through others.
What most amazes me is how much I live In the flesh; how terrible it is sometimes how human I am, how quickly I forgot the things god is doing in my life. After our wonderful night of small group I went to bed around 12 am and awoke around 7 to have my quiet time with god, I was frustrated because although the night before had gone surprisingly well I questioned god, and why he would bring me half way around the world to learn something I could learn in a DTS in the united States, or even more questioning why he would take me to another hemisphere to lead a small group of 5 people?! Once again god had a big lesson for me to learn in a small situation. After my quiet time with god, we had our devotional with the team, my leader, Germen suggested that we ask god what his challenge was for us for the week here. It was our second day in so we had time to experience a little of what it’d be like the rest of the week and ask god in what area of all this I needed to work in.
I took this Idea with me all through my day and during one of our service times we were cleaning another church in the city; I of course had the bathrooms as I always seem to have them J ; this never seems to be a problem for me though, I really don’t mind cleaning them, the only thing that gets me is picking hair out of the drain GROOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS…. J so to my mother, I have something to say.. “for all the times you picked my hair out of the drain, forgive me this is truly a task of love<3 and I‘ve come to realize that every time you picked my hair out of that nasty drain you did it because not only does it disgust you, but also because you love me J ” so thank you mom, and I’m sorry you had to do that, I promise from now on if I use your shower I’ll pick my hair off the wall and out of the drain : D. Back to my time in the bathroom, I was scrubbing the floors when I asked god, how I could be.. More challenged this week; or in what aspect did my mind need renewing. God was pretty clear with me, it fell back on that idea that I felt that I still couldn’t understand why I was here…
I felt like god was asking me if he had ever not provided a way for me, or ever led me astray.. I pondered for barely a minute and it was simple to come to the conclusion that, no, the lord had never failed me. The question didn’t fit right away with the next idea that god gave me, the idea that had been in my head since the moment we arrived; that the acts I was doing were small; things not completely necessary. When I stumbled upon this idea, I realized what I had done, I had underestimated the lord, underestimated how truly important every little aspect of each person, of each moment, of each inch of this world is to him. how could I even begin to question whether or not God truly wanted me here? This is when the first question was put into perspective with the other part of my revelation. If god had never failed to provide for me, or had never led me astray, why was I so quick to be of the flesh, and doubt that this is truly what god wants; for me to be here doing the things that I see as..small.. Or unimportant.. I then realized what my challenge was for the week. God wanted me to see the importance of every moment and to see the importance of every life. God was challenging me to say anything… because saying something is better than saying nothing, because he put me here to help his people, to be there crutch, to be the part of the bridge they’re building between themselves and god. This was quite a beautiful revelation. I had no choice but to believe that these acts were not small..
As I swished my wand around the toilet I declared to the lord in that intimate moment in the bathroom with himJ.. that I believed if he could move mountains then I also believed that he could make a change in this city, in these people and most definitely in this very place in which I stand, in this church.
To all my beloved family and friends, God loves you, you as well need to believe that if god can move mountains he can make a change in me and you as well. I love you all, miss you terribly and am praying for you! Blessings!
BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD; I WILL BE EXALTED AMONG THE NATIONS. I WILL BE EXALTED IN ALL THE EARTH. [[PSALM 48:10]]
Thursday, October 29, 2009
What you cannot take..
i am posting my last 2 blogs, they're both very important to the other, love and blessings to you all, Briana
Morning of 10.27.09
Once again I feel I have so much to say but am at a loss for words. Not to worry I always seem to make ends meet as you can see J. Class was good today we once again had a guest speaker/teacher. Her name is Vivianna and she is from the Buenos Aires Base here in Argentina. We are currently learning about the renewing of our minds in god. Taking in that world vision we learned about and putting it into practice. Its been good but yet challenging. My accomplishment for today has been successfully saying my weekly bible verses in 3 languages; although it is extremely short, I’m very proud of myself; german, English, and Spanish. [[Genesis 1:1]]
This morning in my quiet time with god I decided not to go to my hill, instead I stayed in my room and just prayed for awhile and waited on god, I’ve had a few questions for god lately, just in general about my personal life, where I should stand on a few matters and I feel he hasn’t been very clear with me on what to do. So in my quiet time I quietly uttered under my breath lord, maybe I’m asking the wrong questions.. All I know is I feel I truly need your answers... at that I just waited. Praised god, to the best of my ability, and thanked him for this opportunity to be in his presence.
As I sat there I felt god showing me an image of me and the other students writing down all the things that we hold so tightly, our own dreams, wants, desires, aspirations.. My list wasn’t very long by any means but described my hearts desires so vividly… a husband, many children,family, the dream house, and of course all the animals that will live with me and my large family in my large dream house. after writing all these things down, we were asked to crumple the paper up and throw it into a large bin… where they were all burned.
In that moment god revealed his heart to me. What he was trying to say to me in my vision was so clear. He was asking me to die to myself, to my own dreams and to follow him; no matter what the conditions. Maybe I’ll never have the dream house, maybe I wont live the comfortable life I want to live in the United States, but one thing I’m sure of is.. I will no matter what, have god. I’ll be the first to admit, that this is still challenging me tonight as I sit here and write this blog. I’m yet to surrender this all to him, but praise god for the revelation. I’ve never realized how selfishly I’ve so tightly held onto these dreams, and never made way for god to speak to me about where HE wants me, or where HE has called me to be.
Being open and willing to that is something that has greatly challenged me, up until this day I had my mind set on..returning to the united states, and serving god in the comfort of my own country, my own state, my own city.. however, god is asking me to open my heart to what may lie ahead. Whether its in another country or not, goodness I wish I knew.. Unfortunately god didn’t reveal to me the juicy details.. Just the heads up to be prepared. Praise god for this alone though. He is truly good. So to all those reading this, your prayers at this time for an open heart for me would be most appreciated, for strength as well, and also to see his plan through eyes of understanding, through …his eyes, and not my own. Blessings to you all! Thank you for thinking of me, for keeping me in your prayers and for the encouragement as well!
EVENING OF 10.28.09
To all who are reading this, I feel blessed to have my words to give you, blessed to breath my air I’m breathing and blessed to once again, be in the presence of god. What a day, Today… October 28th, 2009. My heart is heavy and I’m fighting to find the words to start this.. Explanation of my day. I woke up this morning feeling gods presence heavy on my heart, I didn’t sleep well, and I havent for the past 3 days, something just hasn’t been settling right in my soul. I’ve consistently had nightmares the past 3 days, which is a whole other topic but anyways, back to my morning..
I have breakfast duty this week so I went into the kitchen, helped make breakfast, ate my breakfast and went back to my room. Not that special of a morning really. From 8 till 9 is my quiet time, for me and god.. I decided that today, I was just going to stay in my room and pray. I sat down on my bed and I felt like god was urging me to make the list of all the things of this world that I’m bound to, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually..the list he had so vividly shown me in day before in my vision My list was unfortunately long. Full of things that made my heart ache. Things that greatly challenged me in my day to day walk with Christ. I sat there and prayed over my list asking god to help me surrender each and every one of these things I had written down on that piece of paper. As I explained in my last blog I had a vision of all of us burning these things we were bound to. So, I decided I would burn my paper. I got my paper, grabbed my ipod, grabbed a few matches and decided I would head to my hill.
Before I continue I need you all to know that the purpose of this posting is to DECLARE GODS GLORY and not to show his unfaithfulness to me, or his “weakness” by any means. God is good, and I’ll stand behind that, for the rest of my life,no matter what the conditions
I walked down the street, my hill is 2 blocks away, I got a block down the road and turned, there was another man walking down the street towards me, probably around 19 or 20, 5’9, dark skin, dark hair, he had a blue sweatshirt on, and curled up jeans.. He was also wearing black nike tennis shoes. I’ll never in my life forget him, Never. Sometimes, when you see someone or something, it just doesn’t settle right with you, but if you’re me... you shake it off.. I mean.. why would anyone want to hurt …me? his eyes pierced my heart, he had such an awful look, I just.. I cant even explain to you how unsettling it was. I quickly continued past him, looking away and avoiding anymore eye contact. I got to the end of the block and turned back to make sure he wasn’t behind me.. he was nearly 2 blocks away by then… no where near.. Me. I continued on.. Walking up the front of my hill.. I walked down the other side just a bit to catch a glimpse of gods vast city he has blessed me with… I began to cry out to god, surrendering every word on my list.. I only got to number 2... out of probably 10 things.. As I stood there, I verbally declared to god, “lord, I‘ll go where you want me, I lay down all the desire of my own heart, my life…is not my own. I HAVE NO FEAR…IN YOU.” …verbally… crying these things out to the lord.. and suddenly …
his arms were around my neck and my stomach… at first I thought it was one of my classmates playing a joke.. I turned my head to catch a glimpse of who it was and I was punched across the face.. the reality of the situation set in.. he had followed me to my spot, to my secret oasis with the lord.. I frantically struggled to get away from this oh so familiar figure… and he threw me to the ground…I have never had a fear like this in my life, I’ve never been so…so.. Frantic. I screamed and I fought.. And goodness.. Did he fight back.. He repeatedly hit me.. Over and over, This young man, came to rob me, rob me of.. The worldy materials I would so willingly just hand over if I knew that’s all he wanted. He ripped my headphones from my ears, in attempt to steal my ipod, which I did not realize was what he wanted.. In attempts to protect my body from more abuse I rolled to my side on the ground and reached to pull my ipod out of my pocket.. he ripped it from my hands, and kicked me as hard as he could in my stomach…and ran…
I struggled to catch my breath, by the time I got up, he was nearly 2 blocks away.. blood was coming from my mouth, I was covered in filth and had but seconds to react. I started walking back to my house, in a complete daze, so fearful of everything.. My insecurity of the world set in, and I frantically began to run back to my house.. As I arrived.. I stumbled in shaking with fear.. I fell to my knees…and began to weep. he robbed me of so much more than an ipod at that very moment, he robbed me of my security, in my faith in others, in my trust… my classmates flew to my side. Did there best to console me and began to pray for me.
As I wept in fear, I looked to the lord and said, “I need you to show me you‘re here, I need to know I‘m gonna be ok.” we prayed.. And prayed.. And prayed… One of my classmates turned to me and said.. “Briana, the enemy is attacking you, because he sees the power you have with god, he sees the great things you can do through JESUS, and he‘s going to do everything he can to stop you, because he fears you .” What a thought, the enemy fears…me? In this very morning the enemy came to rob me of my peace, of my progress in the lord, and of my joy. He came to put me in the box I came in; my box of fear. My box that told me to go home, to give up, to depend on the things of the world. Friends.. Family.. I’m here to tell you that the enemy failed. God is good, I would relive it all, for the love that I feel from christ tonight. the overwhelming agape love I’ve never experienced..
I’m scared, I wont lie to you. I’ll probably never go back to that hill again I do see everyone as a threat right now, and I’m terrified to leave my house. But god is good, and when he says go, I’ll go. I’m human I have my fears as well but I also stand on something so much greater than my worldly fears.. Which is the love of Christ Jesus my Savior.
My greatest challenge now is to pick up the pieces, dust off my shoulders and march on; to do exactly what I said I would do, moments before he came for me.. NOT live in fear, and live to serve. tonight I’m doing my best to embrace the love of god, to march on, and to be brave, because nobody ever said doing the work of the lord.. Would be easy.
Friends and family, I need you tonight. I need you to pray for me, that I have strength, that I have peace in my soul, and most of all that I come to a point of healing. I love you for being here with me in prayer tonight, I love you for fighting this spiritual battle we have here lying in front of us. Thank you. truly.. Thank you. Pray for that young man, for his salvation, that through this god may minister to his life, that he may stumble upon something amazing, that he would have a radical revelation.. Of gods love.
Again, I love you, I thank you and I wish many blessings upon you all, Briana Kay Santana.
Morning of 10.27.09
Once again I feel I have so much to say but am at a loss for words. Not to worry I always seem to make ends meet as you can see J. Class was good today we once again had a guest speaker/teacher. Her name is Vivianna and she is from the Buenos Aires Base here in Argentina. We are currently learning about the renewing of our minds in god. Taking in that world vision we learned about and putting it into practice. Its been good but yet challenging. My accomplishment for today has been successfully saying my weekly bible verses in 3 languages; although it is extremely short, I’m very proud of myself; german, English, and Spanish. [[Genesis 1:1]]
This morning in my quiet time with god I decided not to go to my hill, instead I stayed in my room and just prayed for awhile and waited on god, I’ve had a few questions for god lately, just in general about my personal life, where I should stand on a few matters and I feel he hasn’t been very clear with me on what to do. So in my quiet time I quietly uttered under my breath lord, maybe I’m asking the wrong questions.. All I know is I feel I truly need your answers... at that I just waited. Praised god, to the best of my ability, and thanked him for this opportunity to be in his presence.
As I sat there I felt god showing me an image of me and the other students writing down all the things that we hold so tightly, our own dreams, wants, desires, aspirations.. My list wasn’t very long by any means but described my hearts desires so vividly… a husband, many children,family, the dream house, and of course all the animals that will live with me and my large family in my large dream house. after writing all these things down, we were asked to crumple the paper up and throw it into a large bin… where they were all burned.
In that moment god revealed his heart to me. What he was trying to say to me in my vision was so clear. He was asking me to die to myself, to my own dreams and to follow him; no matter what the conditions. Maybe I’ll never have the dream house, maybe I wont live the comfortable life I want to live in the United States, but one thing I’m sure of is.. I will no matter what, have god. I’ll be the first to admit, that this is still challenging me tonight as I sit here and write this blog. I’m yet to surrender this all to him, but praise god for the revelation. I’ve never realized how selfishly I’ve so tightly held onto these dreams, and never made way for god to speak to me about where HE wants me, or where HE has called me to be.
Being open and willing to that is something that has greatly challenged me, up until this day I had my mind set on..returning to the united states, and serving god in the comfort of my own country, my own state, my own city.. however, god is asking me to open my heart to what may lie ahead. Whether its in another country or not, goodness I wish I knew.. Unfortunately god didn’t reveal to me the juicy details.. Just the heads up to be prepared. Praise god for this alone though. He is truly good. So to all those reading this, your prayers at this time for an open heart for me would be most appreciated, for strength as well, and also to see his plan through eyes of understanding, through …his eyes, and not my own. Blessings to you all! Thank you for thinking of me, for keeping me in your prayers and for the encouragement as well!
EVENING OF 10.28.09
To all who are reading this, I feel blessed to have my words to give you, blessed to breath my air I’m breathing and blessed to once again, be in the presence of god. What a day, Today… October 28th, 2009. My heart is heavy and I’m fighting to find the words to start this.. Explanation of my day. I woke up this morning feeling gods presence heavy on my heart, I didn’t sleep well, and I havent for the past 3 days, something just hasn’t been settling right in my soul. I’ve consistently had nightmares the past 3 days, which is a whole other topic but anyways, back to my morning..
I have breakfast duty this week so I went into the kitchen, helped make breakfast, ate my breakfast and went back to my room. Not that special of a morning really. From 8 till 9 is my quiet time, for me and god.. I decided that today, I was just going to stay in my room and pray. I sat down on my bed and I felt like god was urging me to make the list of all the things of this world that I’m bound to, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually..the list he had so vividly shown me in day before in my vision My list was unfortunately long. Full of things that made my heart ache. Things that greatly challenged me in my day to day walk with Christ. I sat there and prayed over my list asking god to help me surrender each and every one of these things I had written down on that piece of paper. As I explained in my last blog I had a vision of all of us burning these things we were bound to. So, I decided I would burn my paper. I got my paper, grabbed my ipod, grabbed a few matches and decided I would head to my hill.
Before I continue I need you all to know that the purpose of this posting is to DECLARE GODS GLORY and not to show his unfaithfulness to me, or his “weakness” by any means. God is good, and I’ll stand behind that, for the rest of my life,no matter what the conditions
I walked down the street, my hill is 2 blocks away, I got a block down the road and turned, there was another man walking down the street towards me, probably around 19 or 20, 5’9, dark skin, dark hair, he had a blue sweatshirt on, and curled up jeans.. He was also wearing black nike tennis shoes. I’ll never in my life forget him, Never. Sometimes, when you see someone or something, it just doesn’t settle right with you, but if you’re me... you shake it off.. I mean.. why would anyone want to hurt …me? his eyes pierced my heart, he had such an awful look, I just.. I cant even explain to you how unsettling it was. I quickly continued past him, looking away and avoiding anymore eye contact. I got to the end of the block and turned back to make sure he wasn’t behind me.. he was nearly 2 blocks away by then… no where near.. Me. I continued on.. Walking up the front of my hill.. I walked down the other side just a bit to catch a glimpse of gods vast city he has blessed me with… I began to cry out to god, surrendering every word on my list.. I only got to number 2... out of probably 10 things.. As I stood there, I verbally declared to god, “lord, I‘ll go where you want me, I lay down all the desire of my own heart, my life…is not my own. I HAVE NO FEAR…IN YOU.” …verbally… crying these things out to the lord.. and suddenly …
his arms were around my neck and my stomach… at first I thought it was one of my classmates playing a joke.. I turned my head to catch a glimpse of who it was and I was punched across the face.. the reality of the situation set in.. he had followed me to my spot, to my secret oasis with the lord.. I frantically struggled to get away from this oh so familiar figure… and he threw me to the ground…I have never had a fear like this in my life, I’ve never been so…so.. Frantic. I screamed and I fought.. And goodness.. Did he fight back.. He repeatedly hit me.. Over and over, This young man, came to rob me, rob me of.. The worldy materials I would so willingly just hand over if I knew that’s all he wanted. He ripped my headphones from my ears, in attempt to steal my ipod, which I did not realize was what he wanted.. In attempts to protect my body from more abuse I rolled to my side on the ground and reached to pull my ipod out of my pocket.. he ripped it from my hands, and kicked me as hard as he could in my stomach…and ran…
I struggled to catch my breath, by the time I got up, he was nearly 2 blocks away.. blood was coming from my mouth, I was covered in filth and had but seconds to react. I started walking back to my house, in a complete daze, so fearful of everything.. My insecurity of the world set in, and I frantically began to run back to my house.. As I arrived.. I stumbled in shaking with fear.. I fell to my knees…and began to weep. he robbed me of so much more than an ipod at that very moment, he robbed me of my security, in my faith in others, in my trust… my classmates flew to my side. Did there best to console me and began to pray for me.
As I wept in fear, I looked to the lord and said, “I need you to show me you‘re here, I need to know I‘m gonna be ok.” we prayed.. And prayed.. And prayed… One of my classmates turned to me and said.. “Briana, the enemy is attacking you, because he sees the power you have with god, he sees the great things you can do through JESUS, and he‘s going to do everything he can to stop you, because he fears you .” What a thought, the enemy fears…me? In this very morning the enemy came to rob me of my peace, of my progress in the lord, and of my joy. He came to put me in the box I came in; my box of fear. My box that told me to go home, to give up, to depend on the things of the world. Friends.. Family.. I’m here to tell you that the enemy failed. God is good, I would relive it all, for the love that I feel from christ tonight. the overwhelming agape love I’ve never experienced..
I’m scared, I wont lie to you. I’ll probably never go back to that hill again I do see everyone as a threat right now, and I’m terrified to leave my house. But god is good, and when he says go, I’ll go. I’m human I have my fears as well but I also stand on something so much greater than my worldly fears.. Which is the love of Christ Jesus my Savior.
My greatest challenge now is to pick up the pieces, dust off my shoulders and march on; to do exactly what I said I would do, moments before he came for me.. NOT live in fear, and live to serve. tonight I’m doing my best to embrace the love of god, to march on, and to be brave, because nobody ever said doing the work of the lord.. Would be easy.
Friends and family, I need you tonight. I need you to pray for me, that I have strength, that I have peace in my soul, and most of all that I come to a point of healing. I love you for being here with me in prayer tonight, I love you for fighting this spiritual battle we have here lying in front of us. Thank you. truly.. Thank you. Pray for that young man, for his salvation, that through this god may minister to his life, that he may stumble upon something amazing, that he would have a radical revelation.. Of gods love.
Again, I love you, I thank you and I wish many blessings upon you all, Briana Kay Santana.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Blessed
so i dont have much to say other than, i feel so very blessed to have what i have. every morning i walk a block away from my house and stand on this hill and pray, talk to god and listen to my music. I've taken a picture to show you my view but let me tell you this doesnt even begin to explain how beautiful it really is. i'm truly blessed to be here, to be able to experience gods presence, and grow so much in my faith. Again, thank you to those who are supporting me through their prayers, i am so grateful for your kindness! if there is anything i can pray for you for let me know! i can be reached through email at santana170@hotmail.com or if you just have something to say, hello or whatever else.. thats fine too! love to all those back home<3
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Physical Challenge
Another exhausting day, I’m so warn, so tired. We’ve had a guest speaker named Alejandro Cruz from Buenos Aires here for about a week and today was his last day, and for class he decided he would put into action what we had learned. He told us to go to our rooms and pack everything we needed for the day, and we only had 5 minutes. You should have seen all us girls flip our room upside down like the world was coming to end. I think I had one of the heavier bags J but maybe not quite.
My bag consisted of my very large wallet, a HUGE water bottle because it was around 102 degrees today so definitely needed that, makeup incase I needed to do a touch up (so very important you see) bronzer, foundation, mascara, all that jazz J lotion for my alligator hands, chapstick, sunscreen, a mirror, my bible and a change of clothes which consisted of capris and a t-shirt. As you can imagine this load was not light, however, these are my necessities for life. In my short 5 minutes I jammed it all in a beach bag and ran back to the class room; of course I was the last to arrive and everybody was heading out of the house to go.
We walked about 5 blocks in the blazing heat, and arrived at the near by park.. I was not happy to be there, this meant I was probably going to spend my afternoon in the amazing wonderful 102 degree weather we have here in Argentina. JOY! My leader Alejandra started to explain how all of us students are now a team, everything we brought is for everyone, and that we had to work together in this game we were going to play. We had to start at point A and get everyone and all there belongings to point B. HOWEVER, the ground was water, and to get to point B you had to wear the magical shoes. To say the least the game did not go well, our team never made it, we never got everyone across however god taught us all quite a big lesson. How we acted during the game really reflected our true character, many times my team mates gave up, sat down, got frustrated, wasted time disagree and well I did what I thought would help and tried to take over, but you cant make anyone do anything, in the end, he offered us one more chance to figure it out and in defeat I decided to opt out of taking the second chance. I think that’s where I failed, it was easier to take the label of defeat than to suffer longer and strive for success. All in all though it was a good challenge for my character and for my classmates. I put together a small video for you to watch of our day, and I plan on uploading it either later today or tomorrow its not working right now so I need to change a few things first! Love to all!
My bag consisted of my very large wallet, a HUGE water bottle because it was around 102 degrees today so definitely needed that, makeup incase I needed to do a touch up (so very important you see) bronzer, foundation, mascara, all that jazz J lotion for my alligator hands, chapstick, sunscreen, a mirror, my bible and a change of clothes which consisted of capris and a t-shirt. As you can imagine this load was not light, however, these are my necessities for life. In my short 5 minutes I jammed it all in a beach bag and ran back to the class room; of course I was the last to arrive and everybody was heading out of the house to go.
We walked about 5 blocks in the blazing heat, and arrived at the near by park.. I was not happy to be there, this meant I was probably going to spend my afternoon in the amazing wonderful 102 degree weather we have here in Argentina. JOY! My leader Alejandra started to explain how all of us students are now a team, everything we brought is for everyone, and that we had to work together in this game we were going to play. We had to start at point A and get everyone and all there belongings to point B. HOWEVER, the ground was water, and to get to point B you had to wear the magical shoes. To say the least the game did not go well, our team never made it, we never got everyone across however god taught us all quite a big lesson. How we acted during the game really reflected our true character, many times my team mates gave up, sat down, got frustrated, wasted time disagree and well I did what I thought would help and tried to take over, but you cant make anyone do anything, in the end, he offered us one more chance to figure it out and in defeat I decided to opt out of taking the second chance. I think that’s where I failed, it was easier to take the label of defeat than to suffer longer and strive for success. All in all though it was a good challenge for my character and for my classmates. I put together a small video for you to watch of our day, and I plan on uploading it either later today or tomorrow its not working right now so I need to change a few things first! Love to all!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Finally an UPDATE :)
To all those who have been keeping up with me I apologize for not updating more! This past week has been very hectic, and I’ve had some major “soul surgery” going on. None the less, I thank you for baring with me, and for all your love, support, and prayers. I feel so much has gone on between god and I, I quite frankly don’t even know where to begin. This is most definitely a time of Trial and error; a time of falling down, and learning to get back up.
My most recent challenge has been, OBEDIENCE. God has really stretched me in the past two days, and although I feel overwhelmed at times, his peace is constantly consuming me for the fact that, that is his promise, that through our obedience we shall be delivered. BUT it may not always be on our time, or in the way we like it.
Every day from 2 to 4 we have service time, and yesterday during service time I was assigned to clean the office which is small, so it unfortunately only takes me around 45 minutes. After doing this I randomly cleaned a few other things and then headed to my room just to rest. I laid down on my bed and as I was just about to snooze off I heard god say, “Go help those in the the kitchen sweep and mop both the kitchen floor and the hallway, and do it out of obedience to me, and when you are done, offer your help to 2 others.” I laid there still frustrated not wanting get up.
I constantly tell god what I want, and never take time to listen to his hearts desires. I mean, could god really find delight in me sweeping and mopping the kitchen? Low and behold, I’ve come to find out.. HE CAN and HE DOES. So I got up, headed to the kitchen picked up the broom and started to clean and in my service time there, god spoke volumes to me. He revealed to me apart of my heart, I once again had neglected to see. Although I had done my job, and done it well, I had not stretched myself. We as Christians often find ourselves being stretched in more than one way, when and if we choose to be obedient to gods calling.
He reminded me of how I desire Family, a Husband, Multiple children and do nothing more than just that; Be a MOTHER.And he by no means wasted anytime to say that if I so deeply desire this I need to start first with my obedience to HIM, my first and most important priority. And when that obedience comes, I one day will have the discipline to also be obedient in serving my one day, husband and children. Don’t get me wrong, I by no means think god was degrading me or telling me that I’m not good enough, for I know nothing I do or say can change the way god loves me. He loves me just as I am, no questions asked. That’s the most beautiful thing I think I’m learning in this all.
So I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned; and when I finished I offered my help but service time was practically over so everyone was finishing up. what a revelation… god takes interest in..me. even the small things. I mean I don’t think that was the purpose of it all, but what a blessing to stumble upon this, challenge. We had a half hour free time afterwards and god challenged me to commit not only my Tuesday through Saturday mornings from 8-9(my quiet time with god) to him, but to stretch myself and to do Sunday and Monday mornings as well, MY FREE DAYS. he also challenged me to grow in my knowledge of him, by diving into his word.. Just a little more.. 4 verses in the morning, and 4 verses in the night.
To me that was being STRETCHED, probably just to the point of still being comfortable, and I believe we as Christians are rarely in a state of… being comfortable. J but that’s the joy of loving the lord. This morning I went for my run, and when I got back I began to read my 4 verses before breakfast I read Esther 1-4 and began to reflect. God opened my eyes to how Esther fasted for her people, for they were all to be killed(the Jews) in just a few days. She fasted for them, because they were needy. I think another part of walking in obedience is also learning to obey god in every way shape and form.
God called me to fast this morning, I had just ran for nearly 45 mintues, I was starving and god says, fast for those around you in need. to all my beloved friends and family, let me tell you, that was a challenge to obey. I was hungry, tired already and not really wanting to think of others, terribly selfish we are as humans sometimes. But in order to walk just a little farther in my obedience I fasted I spent my quiet time in deep prayer for a list of people god gave me and waited on him for answers.
You see.. obedience is not something you can decide you have, its something you must work to obtain. Maybe its by starting to just take baby steps towards being more obedient, or maybe gods calling you to take a leap of faith. Friends.. Family, where ever you are today, in your life, in this very moment, I pray god shows you obedience like he has so graciously shown me. I pray for all of you that he shows that unconditional love to you<3 because its nothing I can explain or even try to give you, however it is something I so desperately desire for you..
thank you to those who read this, thank you so much for thinking of me. It warms my heart to know I have people cheering me on, all over the world. what a blessing you all are. If there is anything I can possibly do for you, let me know; although my resources are semi limited I have the power of prayer, and the love of jesus christ on my side. And we as Christians are called to love. I’m here to do just that. Again I thank you, you’re all in my thoughts and prayers! Blessings, Briana Kay Santana.
My most recent challenge has been, OBEDIENCE. God has really stretched me in the past two days, and although I feel overwhelmed at times, his peace is constantly consuming me for the fact that, that is his promise, that through our obedience we shall be delivered. BUT it may not always be on our time, or in the way we like it.
Every day from 2 to 4 we have service time, and yesterday during service time I was assigned to clean the office which is small, so it unfortunately only takes me around 45 minutes. After doing this I randomly cleaned a few other things and then headed to my room just to rest. I laid down on my bed and as I was just about to snooze off I heard god say, “Go help those in the the kitchen sweep and mop both the kitchen floor and the hallway, and do it out of obedience to me, and when you are done, offer your help to 2 others.” I laid there still frustrated not wanting get up.
I constantly tell god what I want, and never take time to listen to his hearts desires. I mean, could god really find delight in me sweeping and mopping the kitchen? Low and behold, I’ve come to find out.. HE CAN and HE DOES. So I got up, headed to the kitchen picked up the broom and started to clean and in my service time there, god spoke volumes to me. He revealed to me apart of my heart, I once again had neglected to see. Although I had done my job, and done it well, I had not stretched myself. We as Christians often find ourselves being stretched in more than one way, when and if we choose to be obedient to gods calling.
He reminded me of how I desire Family, a Husband, Multiple children and do nothing more than just that; Be a MOTHER.And he by no means wasted anytime to say that if I so deeply desire this I need to start first with my obedience to HIM, my first and most important priority. And when that obedience comes, I one day will have the discipline to also be obedient in serving my one day, husband and children. Don’t get me wrong, I by no means think god was degrading me or telling me that I’m not good enough, for I know nothing I do or say can change the way god loves me. He loves me just as I am, no questions asked. That’s the most beautiful thing I think I’m learning in this all.
So I cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned; and when I finished I offered my help but service time was practically over so everyone was finishing up. what a revelation… god takes interest in..me. even the small things. I mean I don’t think that was the purpose of it all, but what a blessing to stumble upon this, challenge. We had a half hour free time afterwards and god challenged me to commit not only my Tuesday through Saturday mornings from 8-9(my quiet time with god) to him, but to stretch myself and to do Sunday and Monday mornings as well, MY FREE DAYS. he also challenged me to grow in my knowledge of him, by diving into his word.. Just a little more.. 4 verses in the morning, and 4 verses in the night.
To me that was being STRETCHED, probably just to the point of still being comfortable, and I believe we as Christians are rarely in a state of… being comfortable. J but that’s the joy of loving the lord. This morning I went for my run, and when I got back I began to read my 4 verses before breakfast I read Esther 1-4 and began to reflect. God opened my eyes to how Esther fasted for her people, for they were all to be killed(the Jews) in just a few days. She fasted for them, because they were needy. I think another part of walking in obedience is also learning to obey god in every way shape and form.
God called me to fast this morning, I had just ran for nearly 45 mintues, I was starving and god says, fast for those around you in need. to all my beloved friends and family, let me tell you, that was a challenge to obey. I was hungry, tired already and not really wanting to think of others, terribly selfish we are as humans sometimes. But in order to walk just a little farther in my obedience I fasted I spent my quiet time in deep prayer for a list of people god gave me and waited on him for answers.
You see.. obedience is not something you can decide you have, its something you must work to obtain. Maybe its by starting to just take baby steps towards being more obedient, or maybe gods calling you to take a leap of faith. Friends.. Family, where ever you are today, in your life, in this very moment, I pray god shows you obedience like he has so graciously shown me. I pray for all of you that he shows that unconditional love to you<3 because its nothing I can explain or even try to give you, however it is something I so desperately desire for you..
thank you to those who read this, thank you so much for thinking of me. It warms my heart to know I have people cheering me on, all over the world. what a blessing you all are. If there is anything I can possibly do for you, let me know; although my resources are semi limited I have the power of prayer, and the love of jesus christ on my side. And we as Christians are called to love. I’m here to do just that. Again I thank you, you’re all in my thoughts and prayers! Blessings, Briana Kay Santana.
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